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Friday, May 01, 2015

If I wrote Movie Reviews they would have to stand up to:

MooPig Presents the Pat and Mike’s “If I wrote Movie Reviews” By reading reviews, you can determine the quality of a literary work, movie or musical recording/performance... no? I hope the following outlines make it clear the depth we are willing to go to discredit anyone or any organization attempting to make a motion picture. List of Available Critical Movie Review Tests
  1. Grammar
  2. Odor
  3. Gender
  4. Tactile
  5. Weather/ wind/ rain/ fire
  6. Literature reference and Lit search
  7. Blood tests
  8. Records of primary research if available
  9. Size test
  10. Religion
  11. Ballistics and pyrotechnics validity
  12. Chicken scratch on walls of jail cell prison myth review
  13. Architectural and landmark placement
  14. Special effects
  15. Mule test
  16. Spy test
  17. Raven test
  18. Rain man review and documentation
  19. Will the sucker really “Wind up with nothing,” De Niro Template?
  20. When I was three I started this review test list; 50 years in the making
  21. Leading Woman – waitress factor
  22. Leading Man – waiter factor
  23. Gertrude Ederle factor; did actor have an identifying moment?
  24. Budget review
  25. Pregnancy/ gender/ paternity/ fresh frozen spermatozoa
  26. Basic chemistry wretch factor...
Following are the descriptions of tests available:
  • Music photo montage yucky kiss, over done to dumb down to level more in keeping with various financial backing interests:
Absolut Vodka factor; is this [product] exportable?
Merv Griffin insult dare; has anyone ever roasted Merv?
  • Dead before dawn fake your own death FBI trap magic hat trick?
Uncut factor, Joe Valentini factor and the jilted millionaire
Poor unfortunate, pregnant, amnesia-tic syndromes hospital
House of a 1000 corpses, Planet Terror

  • Credit report dot com
Grandma factor, is it dauntless?
My Left Foot factor, adequacy factor
Nurse recoil special effects test
  • Should’ve been a silent movie
Paradox test
Three ducks and a pond test
Voice-Over narrator cop-out protocol with site meter for narrated percentage test
Mariachi factor / Tommy Dorsey orchestration and performance
  • Mis-direction bruised and soiled film chapters:
I don’t think; I drink
Annual fee or not flexibility
Jackie Chan Action Test
Cinematography Ansel Adams test
This could’ve been a short-short
  • Ask for help but really don’t want it effect
  • Frequently used phrases:
Stay with me
Gimme the key
Must see
In harms way
It’s a bomb
  • House or edifice is actually one of the characters
Over done – 13 ghosts
Unable to navigate as viewer – 13 ghosts
Cube – truncated
  • Penelope Cruz [and others] speech impediment test:
Eva Gabor
Desi Arnaz
Say this: “all this and no ammonia?” and make me buy it!

  • Tall versus shorter female form and males' everywhere lookout for eye candy factor:
Kill Bill tall girls and short girls
Dolly Parton short factor
Bosom tests
  • Once upon a time in Mexico Cruise Test:
Whad’ you gonna do stoopid?”
Retiring men actors’ litmus test
Also – Poseidon Adventure Original release uses retired as Cameos
  • Price on your head factor underdog test
Widmark, Mitchum
Slow horse, posse chased
Chased by debt, no where to go
  • Tequila sunrise test, pre-Viagra men lover test Mel Gibsonian and tart
  • Nintendo factor: this could’ve been better as a PS3 game
  • The last thing the villain sees is a Chihuahua in his face factor

  • "Under Siege" Seagal Factor: finale decisive show down between Steve and Tommy Lee Jones for which we have waited 112 minutes for:
Knife in the head
Thumb in the eye
Head through the radar screen
  • Nip Tuck obvious or not factors
  • Hitler Humorlessness test: or Adolf couldn’t laugh at himself
  • Rat Pack test: reunited and living in continuum condominiums
  • Stuck in elevator test
  • Johnny Carson factors: Practice shooting not drinking Jim McMahan litmus test

  • Superior Movies to use for metaphor comparison and litmus tests:
Quest For Fire
The Bear
Das Boot
My left Foot
Bicycle Thief
Red Balloon
  • Blue collar actor test:
  • They switched bodies or heads or faces trick of misdirection
  • Shaq O’Neill Irish height test
  • Deygo in charge Robert De Niro annulment buck stops here test
  • This could’ve been a M*A*S*H episode
  • Defecate, Urine, Test for validity and purity
  • EHarmony reject factor: 29 degrees of compatibility pass/fail
  • Airborne germs test
  • This could’ve been a Geico commercial, 30 second spot
  • Derecho effect; refer – My Left Foot
  • Spur lock doggy effect of delayed release
  • Having sex during gun battle foreshadowing
  • Gun battle with overwhelming numbers of assailants shooting and missing
  • Toll road censorship, Valentini P/PG/NC
A nickel toll to continue
Trolls at the bridges
Egomaniac Billy goat wants to pass without paying and creeks are dry
Ergonomic camera grips, surveillance
  • No presidency but an Oscar consolation prize Gore progenitor tests
  • Support troops / Protest war – type logic
  • Awards for altruism: Elvis/John/Oprah
  • I could’ve had a double cheese bacon burger at Dairy Queen and a V-8 fulfillment test
  • I am dead Lexx test
Jack sparrow
Ghost Pat Swayze
  • Mad magazine parody play
James Bomb
Magdumb, PI
Bill Gaines, Ed.
  • Tony Hawk uneven surfaces credibility, and level playing fields incredibility
  • “How does this modification merit” design critique American chopper test
  • Lee Harvey Oswald magic bullet test
  • Founding mothers of Marthasville homemade ice cream and funnel cakes
  • Fonda fondue roast and fry show test
  • Fried hamburger “Hackney’s style”
  • I won’t work here due to greasy meat
  • Get that camera off of me as I sneak this Dagwood sandwich at midnight
  • Lively Dance Hall acoustics better than usual
  • CSI test: I have a future in television actress test
  • Hypocrisy factor: working girl
Double crossing assistant stalks and mimics boss
Melanie Griffith test: youXradioXradioXyou
Become boss with morals of the refined
Stalk and settle for a look-a-like to play Tom Hanks part
  • Buscemi could’ve played that part in – (rat pack)
What am I? Your bartender?
Looking for work factor as in any Beau Bridges, movie
The Client is always wrong: Desperado
  • “In America” tear jerking factor even though the heroine doesn’t die
  • Animal cruelty considerations
Pre 1946
After 1946
Are the cockroaches safe?
First contact rule of Picard and Janeway and Jodie Foster, Shirl McClaine, many others
  • Penguin stamina
  • Desperado staging ideas
  • Coyote Ugly
  • Walking the bar
  • Bloody thick factor
Old as dirt
Slow as old adages
Man who went up hill and came down a mountain
  • Chris Angel rely on tricks to fill time up, rather than provide substance
  • Refined sugar, movies, guns used to enhance life changing events
  • OCD tale-tell signs in eye of heroine
  • Leading lady, such as Cheryl Ladd, questionable
  • Longfellow self-publishing writer/actor/producer/director Sinatra technique
  • Pribek "contrived anarchy" tactics
  • Scare tactics, as in Shannon Dougherty from charmed
  • Art Linkletter blind trust and Jewish annuity financial structure
  • Populace test
  • Power lines overhead obstructions tests
  • Chem. trails in sky shots, evidence footage
  • Conspiracy factors and hypocrite Michael Moore factors
  • Art Bell blah blah blah HGH and low flying stellar units
  • Twist of legal jargon technicality epilogue wimp out
  • Watershed factors
Water World is too obvious
Mad Max
All washed up lackluster actors
Acting lacking
  • Son and Bride of Frankenstein masterpiece standards
Black and white
Nice knockers
Cracking up endlessly
Aaaawhaaaa soprano at orgasm
Gene Wilder agent of gone
  • Old joke explained loss of impact
Old metaphor
Old allusion
Rhetorical questions
  • Kiss d’ girl little Mermaid production for defining moment
Singing in the rain
Raindrops keep falling on my head
Kidnapped Zhivago morning he tries to go for help
  • You wouldn’t lie to me now would you Catalina? As in Desperado
  • Saint mattress Sunday school
Sleep it off
Blue laws
  • Black and White versus Technicolor "Wizard of Oz" example
  • Recession perceived as affliction becomes more apparent -- as the guy on Fantasy Island, slipping villain begins to show other side not revealed to audience
Broken back or BrokeBack, or Badass Baby got Back...
Teeth and English thespians
Hugh Hefner jilted-ness turns a trick
Let go of it Nathan
Challenged individual
  • Right Winged 700 club rhetoric – "the Apostle," unsavory to unloosening ears...
  • Howard Stern stilted cuckold turned shock jock, wow what a shock
Ass oriented male
Litmus positive for HIV award
James Dean
Busey, Jr.
Richard Gere
  • Villainous married man’s sustenance bullet test
  • Rhetorical question by hero "do you feel lucky.." speech referral
  • Herod test: “you might be bullet proof; it doesn’t mean you’re knife-proof,” so judges he Jesus
  • NASCAR driver boozing’ woman sidekick Burt Reynolds sissy bar, extremely prejudiced conservative man test
Suburban liberal teen climbing the “stairway to heaven”
Give me the Key villain speech test phrase
  • Beowulf, the latest... untested
  • A-Team middle of the movie musical photo montage hands only metal bending
Dues d’ machine
Villains are actually heroes
Ten second tidy
Sex scene
Woman riding
Man finding breakfast lower down
Man not seen while female throws head back
  • Did all those underlings and mercenaries protecting the villain and his/her lair and compound deserve to die those horrible deaths dealt them by bullet proof heroes and heroines?

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