Or, the hunt for Red Modulated Testicles
Last weekend I saw something at L.L. Bean's that sparked my interest. Coming up is our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser, batteries not included.
Effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? 'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries; I pushed the button. Nothing!
Hmmmmmm, I read, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the arc weld on the microwave, refrigerator, and washer; some cooking utensils, and the device she keeps in the bedside drawer.
Home alone with a new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
I sit in my recliner, and cogitate, as Gracie our cat looks on with curiosity, "What killed the cat, eh Gracie?" I say; trusting little soul. The directions make me think, "I really need to try this shocker on flesh & blood moving targets."
I admit I thought about zapping Gracie but got a hold of myself; "Don't Taser the Cat !!" She is such a sweet cat.
But, still, I need to know it works as advertised if I am giving this toy-like thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger; "Am I wrong?"
I'm wearing only my grippies and wifebeater, my reading glasses perched delicately on bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions say: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm inspecting the 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference device; "Pretty cute really, just two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries," thinking to myself, "no possible way it can do that!"
Buyer's remorse was beginning to creep over me: "Why do I buy such crazy stuff? For love of Mike, this is our 15th Wedding Anniversary!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... with only Gracie as my witness, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if saying, "Don't do it knucklehead!"
My reasoning, "Just a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad."
"What the heck;" I decided to give myself the one-second treatment. With prongs to my bare thigh, I pushed the button, and . . . "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, Joseph, Shepherds and all the pierced Saints... and the sheep, WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!"
Chuck Liddell must have run in from a side door, picked me and the recliner up, and body slammed us against the wall, holding me down by my neck for a ground and pound, over and over and over again... until I soil myself! Oh no!
I lived, but vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, grippies all warm and yellow wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm numb and tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
SON-OF-A-... That hurt!!! A minute or so passes, though time was warped, I found some of my half-wits, splintered as they were. What little manhood I had left helped me sit up and survey my once cozy den. Bent reading glasses on the mantel of the fireplace, "How did they get up there???"
Leg and arm muscles, right thigh and both nipples continued to dance and twitch. "Had I been to the dentist?" still disoriented, I thought my face was shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 42 lbs.
"Have you seen my testicles, Gracie? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return -- say a dish of liver?"
The cat stood over me, "Meow." The sounds echoing in my wasted cranium cavity, like never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Wow, humans don't land on their feet when tossed in the air!"
Notice: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! Let someone else do the test on you.
Truthfully, you cannot let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative? No more bursts for me.
She loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it, and keeps it in the bedside drawer on weekends!
Epilogue: 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'