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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

You might be from North Carolina... or a lot of places

Wendy Ballard says: Things I have learned living in North Carolina
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it sticks; If it crawls, it bites.
5."Onced" and "Twiced" are words.
6. It is not a Shopping cart, it is a buggy.
7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. "Fixinto" is one word.
10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
12. Back'ards and fer'ards means "I know everything about you."
13. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA IF:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both unlocked.
6. You know what a "DAWG" is... ate the kids homework, fer'instance.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car .. For your OWN car.
8. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.
9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".
12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
13.. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin"
or off to "Wally World"
14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good soup weather.
15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop ... it's a pepsi, regardless of brand or flavor. For example: "What kinda pepsi you want?"
16. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
17. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
18. You understand these jokes and forward them to your North Carolina friends (and those who just wish they were).
Not EVERYONE can be a North CAROLINIAN, it's an art form and a gift from God! AMEN!!!!!
W. Ballard freewolfsprit@yahoo Feb 2007
Posted by at

1 comment:

MooPig said...

Here are the other anecdotal web publishings collected last year...


REAL NEWSPAPER ADS


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.


FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone
rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's' house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the
telephone Repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.



A Parrot is the only Pet that can say "I Love YOU"-and Mean It!

---------- Forwarded Message ----------
Wanted you to start your day of with laughter!
Hugs, BF
The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....does not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y’all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
yawl’s" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on
how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here


If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled
> vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or
> below.
>
>
> About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon (Oklahoma
> Highway Patrol) responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road
> outside Shattuck, OK . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and
> with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his
> emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find
> an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka
> bottle on the seat beside him.
>
>
> The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing
> the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper
> standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift
> into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing
> 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels
> spinning.
>
>
> Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next
> to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally
> freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This
> goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to
> 'Pull over!'
>
>
> The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to
> say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still
> shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
> miles per hour.
>
> Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?
> Laughter is the best medicine….Still LOL,


The Older Women
>
> I was married 25 years. I took a look at my wife one day and said,
> Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
> on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got
> to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
>
> "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
> I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
> holding up your side of things."
>
> My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
> a Hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once
> again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
> sofa bed.
>
> Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
> Crises.
A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE. (Not that any of you are that!)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT.

Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 8:19 PM
Subject: 25 signs

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break-up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms &
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do the same

February 20, 2007 at 4:18:00 PM CST

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