To Anyone Wishing to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________ ________________________

____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________________ ____

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_________________________________ _____________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating (below).

Parents' Rules for Dating
Your parents' rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sincerely - Mom & Dad

UPDATE: Vacationing Like the Kennedy's

If you have been taught only to focus on the assasination of JFK, you might want to revise your historical perspective !! There is a much bigger picture that like a jigsaw puzzle might take a lifetime to understand.

The key to this Regime lies somewhere in this mysterious dissapperance in WWII:
"Joseph P. Kennedy, Jr., the man who would be president. His father dreamed of the day when he would become the first Irish Catholic President of the United States. In 1944 he signed on for a second tour and in July volunteered for a special attack unit secret mission to knock out Hitler's V-1 rockets.
"Project Anvil involved using explosive-filled bombers which were piloted part way to their target, and after the pilot bailed out, were then guided by radio control to smash into German submarine pens or rocket-launching sites. On August 12, Joe Kennedy's plane exploded shortly after takeoff, killing him and his co-pilot instantly. Project Anvil was so secret the Kennedy family was told few details."

...and in the news yesterday the hospital visit by Teddy Kennedy:

"Kennedy is the last son from his generation of a famed political family. When older brother John F. Kennedy won the presidency in 1960, Ted Kennedy stepped into his Senate seat, and has held it since.

Sen. Kennedy Recovers After Seizure
By GLEN JOHNSON,
Posted: 2008-05-17 19:47:11

In this photo from 1960, Ted Kennedy is seated to the right; brothers John and Robert are standing, center.

In the Kennedy's youth is a unique relationship of sons and fathers, mothers and daughters.

For instance Fathers of the sixties have a unique tool called "master plan."

Let me explain. JFK was elected for reasons set in motion by his wondrous Dad, many years before Jack was even walking. Joseph Kennedy had a "master plan" on his children, and it came to pass.

It so influenced the nation of post WWII working class, I found myself part of that "Kennedy Master Plan." Happily it was not one of those "mein Kampf" plans, rather a plan of free-thinking and free association to the ideal of USA all the Way! It was party time, I believe; our fathers' responses to interruption of their youths, lives mucked up by dipshit Hitler brought on with his boyscout bullshit...

Photo: I remember my and all my friends' dads thought they were only two situps from dating this woman------}

What a sad lot we are: I am not complaining, and not whining: I am here to report on the long term result of Kennedy regime.

Every politician has compared himself and herself shamelessly to JFK every since the Jackie Lee Bouvier days.

Yes even Nixon said: "I'm not a crook... " could be a throw back to Joe Kennedy's rum runner days.. who might have said 'I'm not a crook' as well while his master planned kingdom developed in the first part of last century.

Was Joseph Kennedy really a Rum Runner?

"Joseph Kennedy, son of Irish Catholic immigrants and patriarch of the infamous Kennedy family was a client of Rocco Perri’s.

(retrieved from 100 Years of Wooden Glory - The Rum Runners Lavida Lifestyle - September 2007 )

"Joseph Kennedy, who was most recognizable as the father of former U.S. President John F. Kennedy, became affectionately known as a “Baptist Bootlegger”.

"By the mid 1920’s the Volstead Act was being reviewed by his allies in the American Government with a view to repealing it, but Kennedy was making so much money while prohibition was in existence, that he secretly aligned himself with Temperance Movement supporters in an effort to keep prohibition in place.

"With a certain degree of control at that point and insider information during the prohibition period, he positioned himself as the sole import agent of several brands of alcohol, purchasing millions of dollars worth of stock. The day prohibition ended in 1933 his company re-sold the stock legally making tens of millions of dollars of profit.

"While subversively controlling the distribution of illegal alcohol during prohibition, Kennedy disguised his activities as the legitimate owner of an investment firm, trading in the largely unregulated stock market.

"In what would be considered highly illegal by today’s governance of the stock exchange, Joseph Kennedy manipulated the stock values of companies in cooperation with a pool of investors up or down depending on the position of the pool at the time.

"In 1928 Kennedy pulled hundreds of millions of dollars out of the markets just prior to the market crash of 1929 and then subsequently made a secondary fortune on his short positions.

"In the early 1930’s Joseph Kennedy funded the election of President Theodore Roosevelt who made him Chairman of the Securities Exchange Commission, closing the door behind him to anyone else intent on amassing a fortune in illegal trading practices.

In the long term Roosevelt helped groom Joseph’s eldest son Robert Kennedy for the White House job, until his assassination on the campaign trail some time after. Later, Joseph Kennedy would live the Presidency vicariously through his second son John F. Kennedy who was elected in 1961 and subsequently assassinated in 1963." (retrieved from 100 Years of Wooden Glory - The Rum Runners Lavida Lifestyle - September 2007 )

"With the significant connections Rocco Perri and Bessie Starkman had made from the eastern seaboard of the United States through to the mid-west, the trafficking of heroin and morphine ran alongside the sale of illegal alcohol through an established network in all major U.S. cities." ( Lavida Lifestyle - September 2007 )

Summary [sort of]

Okay, so the last of the Catholic cowboy Kennedy's is up for health and prosperity review. Poor Edward Kennedy is having to unbutton his button-down collar to allow some blood to get to his head.

"Hey, Teddy, I know what it's like," says MooPig, who can't button anything anymore.

Besides his dip in the icy waters, his legacy might be: "No one tried to kill me, yet" oldest legislator in House, second only to some unknown Senator. [Gee I hope it's not McCain they're saying is older.]

I know it is low to pick on a man when he is down, but that doesn't stop Randy Couture. Tonight I feel like a little ground and pound; as I know pundits are reading my stuff, because it keeps showing up on talk shows. So you guys too, I want to ground and pound... some day. We have a date in the Octagon, eh, Pundits?

Now in hopes my own Dad does not take too much issue, I remember at 8 years old I knew I was psychic. You see my dear Dad was so in tune with JFK that I too knew the exact moment JFK was killed. I stood up in Mrs Bickman's 3rd grade class and said: "Did the President get killed?" She hustled me out in the hall, and said, "How do you know that?"

In conclusion today: Potato Famine; Rum Running; Vacationing

Here is the "Master Plan" as it is understood by me -- "Work hard all year, and take a well earned vacation with your family, that involves kid's athletic prowess: Revelation !!"

Because tomorrow might bring another potato famine, and our service-based work-force might have to learn to use its hands.

I truly believe we live in the past in "goddamn the USA," [Rev Wright, 2008] as direct response to the bad times spanning 1840 to 1940 --

"Beginning in 1845 and lasting for six years, the potato famine killed over a million men, women and children in Ireland and caused another million to flee the country.

"Ireland in the mid-1800s was an agricultural nation, populated by eight million persons who were among the poorest people in the Western World. Only about a quarter of the population could read and write. Life expectancy was short, just 40 years for men. The Irish married quite young, girls at 16, boys at 17 or 18, and tended to have large families, although infant mortality was also quite high." (Retrieved 17/May/08: from History Place)

Therefore, if your old man's master plan is in its third level of completion -- after fleeing the potato famine, and making illicit millions of dollars -- you too can Vacation Like the Kennedy's !!!

...But be careful you might become target practice for some unforgiving clansmen with long memories and no written history.

Nello and Orso weigh in on Penguins: UPDATE !!

From high in the Appenine Mts. Nello and Orso would like to suggest that penguins are neither fowl nor fish, but only very well-dressed pigs trying to make it in the big city. It seems to be working for them since no one has ever heard of penguin-prosciutto. Donald Trumpt is actually a penguin (pssst - I mean "pig" !! See it's working for them)
Nello and Orso, Up in der

Fresh Penguin Meat---;
Horror of Reality if anyone were to really Think about it !!!!!
So, who is this? The Golden Compost? Son of Fleece?
What you thinking..? ...that you gonna start international business with Texas, and ... where you from... Puglia...? There's lots of paper to fill out, you know.

All right, but you can't blow the sheep brains out of their skulls with compressed air.

Lookin' forward to doing some bidness... funny or otherwise. Yeah, Donald Trumpt is a quacker, male chavez-ness piglet, in a tuxedo.

Concerning your concerns about Penguin-prosciutto: I refer you to this blogger: Horror show face-off

Popeye, 6/27/07

So it’s been seven months and two plotlines since I’ve deigned to comment on Popeye’s spinach- and/or mescaline-fueled antics. If you’re not following along at home, I’m not going to give you any context for this, because it’s just all the more delightful as a surreal and horrifying standalone vignette. Olive Oyl laughing so hard that her jaw nearly unhinges as she presses the barrel of the gun to her temple, her breast-sporting doppelgänger laughingly urging her to blow her brains out as she slams her bracelets together with a hearty CLANK!, Wimpy ignoring the horrifying drama to demand more food — WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT IN A COMIC? In three panels, Popeye has managed to be more unsettling that the last 18 months of Zippy the Pinhead.

MooPig will gladly pay you Thursday for a Penguin-prosciutto gyro on Tuesday. Those are our Terms.

Also, We very much hope you will not be trying to cross breed too many bird-foul-human-mammals:

By The Way, btw, Rocky, the 7-foot, 700-pound grizzly bear that wrestled with Will Ferrell in Semi Pro, killed his trainer Tuesday, ABC News and the AP report. Stephan Miller, 39, was bitten on the neck while working with Rocky alongside two other trainers in Los Angeles and died before help arrived... [click here for the blogger story, and tubeyou] Rocky, the bear from 'Semi Pro,' kills trainer

Thanks, Compostholestoy, for opening all these doors:
We look forward to some prototype Orso Burgers soon from you via Ostrich-mail. The contract is in the mail.
Sincerely, MooPig da' furst

ps. Penguins could be the Sunday roast of choice if a plan to use the world penguin surplus goes ahead, Goliath Food Chiefs announced yesterday. Penguins, long considered to be inedible by even the most hardiest of sailors, have recently been discovered to taste a lot like veal, if cooked for long enough. [looks like chicken, tastes like veal]

Manjiare !!! Chefs are Fleeing their Kitchens

Padma Lakshmi--------}

MooPig's New "TV Chef" Department: Who'sa your Go-Daddy? -- first and last article on this subject.

Actress and model Padma Lakshmi, for one, has gone from guest-starring on "Star Trek: Enterprise" to hosting the popular reality show "Top Chef," where she muses about plating alongside
{--------------Tom Colicchio,
one of People magazine's "Sexiest Men Alive" for 2007.


The [other] NRA, National Restaurant Association projects that restaurant sales will reach $558 billion in 2008, a 47% increase over 2000, and the Food Network, the culinary world's premier stage, has seen its subscribers more than double in that time.

Babe Ruth-----------------}

{----Rachael Ray (l)
As the financial stakes get ever higher, chefs are fleeing their kitchens in search of a bigger piece of the pie. Rachael Ray, the Babe Ruth of celebrity chefs, has ridden her culinary fame to a daytime talk show and her own magazine.

"There's absolutely no reason to buy my cookbook."
You say you love Bobby Flay's food and want to try to make it at home? Before you spend $35 on his Mesa Grill Cookbook, check out FoodNetwork.com 's recipe database, where among the 36,000-plus recipes you can browse, a quick search will net you 1,914 of the master chef's recipes -- or 1,764 more than Mesa Grill contains -- and it won't cost you a penny.

Bobby Flay----------}

My God, man, how many recipes do you need !!!!!
Indeed, free recipe-sharing sites like Recipezaar.com, which offers 271,000 recipes, and Allrecipes.com, which holds more than 40,000, also threaten to make your favorite chef's cookbook virtually obsolete. But so far the vast storehouse of free recipes available on the web hasn't dented cookbook sales; in fact those authored by celebrity chefs have driven overall cookbook sales to $540 million in 2007, a 4% increase from 2006.

Rachael Ray (l) will be the first to say she's never run a kitchen -- "It's not necessary that there are professional chefs on the Food Network," says Anthony Bourdain, "Kitchen Confidential" author and a celebrity chef in his own right. "But what they really need are good cooks, and they have precious few of those." A Food Network spokesperson says the idea is "to represent many different perspectives on food."
{--------- Anthony Bourdain

Food
Network
Spokes persons -----------}

Reference:

Today. Retrieved entirely from: By Jason Kephart; 10 Things Celebrity Chefs Won't Tell You Filed Under: Money Specials

"What's in your Salad?" asks miBwana Dik.
"Hmm.. smell like essence of ass," replies moBwana Duk.