Merged concepts by Pat Darnell | Feb 16, 2014 | Bryan TX
Dr. Neil Clark Warren
-- versus --
Whether you know it or not, there was a once upon a time where I was a pretty good alcoholic. Actually I wasn't pretty good, I was great. Every time I went out I got the high score. No one scored higher. Between amount consumed, bad decisions made, and people pissed off, I championed more than most. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, right?
I was living in Marthasville, Missouri at one of my peak times. It is the Wine Country of Missouri, go figure. I was scoring left and right at the "Drink till you Drop Wine Tasting Vineyards." I recently escaped from a particularly messy marriage, meaning I was a mess, and made a few key decisions.
Firstly, I was never going to get married again. That was obviously for chumps, much like college, right, Natan? Shut up, conscience! Secondly, I needed a gnarly beard to help scare off any potential chicks that wanted a piece of me.
I'm up late one night drinking who the heck knows what, when I decided that I was lonely. Time for a little female companionship. Where would I meet someone though? I'm an unemployed loser who lives in a friend's house. I wake up hungover at 3 PM everyday just about time my friends get off work so I can get my drink on.
In between "Clonus" and "Ankle Biters," a great horror movie about vampiric dwarfs, I saw a commercial for eHarmony. They touted that they had set up thousands of happy couples. "I've never been so happy," says some neatly dressed overweight nerd with a supermodel on his arm.
I slowly make my blurry way to the computer and slump into the chair. eHarmony.com pops up and tells me that I'll have "thousands of results in just a few minutes!"
"Sheesh! Thousands? All I need is one!" I think. I begin the process of inputting my information. This website asks me about every single aspect of my life from childhood to my religious views. Even though I'm at a particularly sarcastic point in my life, I decide it's time for me to take this thing seriously. So I answer as well as I can -- even taking time to really think about my answers between drinks. Two hours later, I'm finished; I take a deep breath and "submit".
What seems like hours tick by as I wait for my results. "Come on, " I'm thinking. "I don't need all 10,000 at once, just a couple hotties to chat up."
No results. None. Zero, eharmony comes back and informs that I am "un-match-able." Somehow in their internet database of hundreds of thousands of women with varying interests and feelings, I cannot be matched with any of them. I knew that I was a difficult dude but the idea that no one on the internet would want a guy like me had never passed through my mind.
Needless to say, I don't remember much of the rest of the night.
I should reiterate that I have since made changes in my life and don't feel quite the same way. In fact, I'm certain that is a direct result of my poor decisions that things kept working out for me the way they did. I'm hopeful that someone will marry me regardless of what eHarmony thinks. Just remember when you are trapped in a tunnel, watch where the rats go, they know the way out.
Quite the beard and quite the post, Natan. Also, I don't know when the last time was that I checked to make sure there is no permanent brain damage resulting from my propelling your noggin into the space between the car door and frame that one time in Helena (where I learned to never listen to anything Brig Heaps said ever again). Based on this post, you are able to write a coherent, humorous blog. I am relieved.
That's our Report from the Middle at Lake Abandon, Texas, where the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and children are all above average.
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