Moo Pig Wisdom is a brilliant combination of Antiquity and Prequel Modern Flea Market. We respectfully ask you to mind your children while here.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

MooPig Report from the Middle :: "Dr. Neil Clark Warren"

Who Would Win this Cage Match?
Merged concepts by Pat Darnell  |  Feb 16, 2014  |  Bryan TX

[Picture LINK]

Dr. Neil Clark Warren

-- versus --


Whether you know it or not, there was a once upon a time where I was a pretty good alcoholic. Actually I wasn't pretty good, I was great. Every time I went out I got the high score. No one scored higher. Between amount consumed, bad decisions made, and people pissed off, I championed more than most. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, right?

I was living in Marthasville, Missouri at one of my peak times. It is the Wine Country of Missouri, go figure. I was scoring left and right at the "Drink till you Drop Wine Tasting Vineyards." I recently escaped from a particularly messy marriage, meaning I was a mess, and made a few key decisions.

Firstly, I was never going to get married again. That was obviously for chumps, much like college, right, Natan? Shut up, conscience! Secondly, I needed a gnarly beard to help scare off any potential chicks that wanted a piece of me.

I'm up late one night drinking who the heck knows what, when I decided that I was lonely. Time for a little female companionship. Where would I meet someone though? I'm an unemployed loser who lives in a friend's house. I wake up hungover at 3 PM everyday just about time my friends get off work so I can get my drink on.

In between "Clonus" and "Ankle Biters," a great horror movie about vampiric dwarfs, I saw a commercial for eHarmony. They touted that they had set up thousands of happy couples. "I've never been so happy," says some neatly dressed overweight nerd with a supermodel on his arm.

I slowly make my blurry way to the computer and slump into the chair. pops up and tells me that I'll have "thousands of results in just a few minutes!"

"Sheesh! Thousands? All I need is one!" I think. I begin the process of inputting my information. This website asks me about every single aspect of my life from childhood to my religious views. Even though I'm at a particularly sarcastic point in my life, I decide it's time for me to take this thing seriously. So I answer as well as I can -- even taking time to really think about my answers between drinks. Two hours later, I'm finished; I take a deep breath and "submit".

What seems like hours tick by as I wait for my results. "Come on, " I'm thinking. "I don't need all 10,000 at once, just a couple hotties to chat up."

No results. None. Zero, eharmony comes back and informs that I am "un-match-able." Somehow in their internet database of hundreds of thousands of women with varying interests and feelings, I cannot be matched with any of them. I knew that I was a difficult dude but the idea that no one on the internet would want a guy like me had never passed through my mind.

Needless to say, I don't remember much of the rest of the night.

I should reiterate that I have since made changes in my life and don't feel quite the same way. In fact, I'm certain that is a direct result of my poor decisions that things kept working out for me the way they did. I'm hopeful that someone will marry me regardless of what eHarmony thinks. Just remember when you are trapped in a tunnel, watch where the rats go, they know the way out.

_____________________1 comment:

by Alex
Quite the beard and quite the post, Natan. Also, I don't know when the last time was that I checked to make sure there is no permanent brain damage resulting from my propelling your noggin into the space between the car door and frame that one time in Helena (where I learned to never listen to anything Brig Heaps said ever again). Based on this post, you are able to write a coherent, humorous blog. I am relieved.

That's our Report from the Middle at Lake Abandon, Texas, where the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and children are all above average.


A shout out to Garrison Keillor's sign-off adapted to our shares with listeners the latest news and views from the little town where "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average."

1 comment:

Blogger said...

Looking for the Ultimate Dating Website? Create an account and find your perfect match.

Blog Archive

SUNDAY :: bishop FM 105.9 Auckland


Gary Grainger LIVE BluesShow from Auckland, 6 to 8PM LondonTime .... you listen too.


: It is PROHIBITED by law to use our service or the information it provides to make decisions about consumer credit, employment, insurance, tenant screening, or for any other purpose subject to the Fair Credit Reporting Act, 15 USC 1681 et seq. MooPig Wisdom does not provide consumer reports and is not a consumer reporting agency. The information available on our website may not be 100% accurate, complete, or up to date, so do not use this information as a substitute for your own due diligence, especially if you have concerns about a person’s criminal history. MooPig Wisdom does not make any representation or warranty about the accuracy of the information available through our website or about the character or integrity of the person about whom you inquire. So dip your balls in turpentine and get rid of your own fleas before calling me out.

Ask Someone Who Cares -- SUCH AS SUCH MULCH

To report any abusive, obscene, defamatory, racist,
homophobic or threatening comments, or anything that may violate any applicable laws, please click
--ask_someone_who cares -- ASWC to report with pertinent details.

Anyone posting such material will be immediately mesquitte blackened over a very hot pit fire down at C and J's BBQ on Harvey-Elmo-Weedon Road, and permanently removed from all servers, its IP
owner will be locked in a small room with back issues of
The ECONOMIST, and one scratchy re-mix 8-track tape of Steely Dan's first album...
IP addresses might be recorded to aid us in enforcing these conditions, that is if we cared.

A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"

A Fantastically Flawed Script for a Jazz Rock Opera -- "GAZA"
GAZA by Pat Darnell for the Age of Attritionally Challenged

Email MooPigster Customers' Alert
If you receive this post via email, you notice it is mostly 'blank'.
We at MooPig Surmise, that at this point, one either says:
"WOW, I'm off the hook, and don't have to pay any attention to that pesky MooPig STUFF!!"
-- OR --
"Hey, where is it ...?"
The answer is: "IT IS A youTUBE presentation"... and you will now click on the http above to go see this modern miracle of technology.

MooPig Wisdom is Your Life-Line to Parody:
24\7 -- We accept all Calls from Contestants

MPW Unique Value Proposition, UVP
Shards of Evidence ... Opinion and Editorial ... We Blunderbuss indigestible Ersatz of Readers' and Writers' ... Explain Strategies of quasi-firms... and some not so quasi ... 110% Proof
One Only
Advertisement Only One
Publisher of Satire ... Enemy to Bombast ... Very Swank ... More Fun to Write than to Read

MooPig Wisdom is online to provide spring board for writers.
MooPig is the Writers' Writer that encourages voice, content, and style. PD

Bill Gaines said it

Bill Gaines said it
"My staff and contributors create the magazine," declared Gaines. "What I create is the atmosphere."