A catholic case to Methodize: "No Tail Gating"

MooPig Research Department in keeping with promise to bring the best to its superlative readership;

Theology Thursday: Thou Shalt Not Tailgate vox clamatis 28.06.07

Behind the Zion Curtain, Yew-Tah, United States

"Last week, during my absence from the theological watchtower, the Vatican unveiled a new (and quite lengthy) document entitled "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road," which includes a sweet little "special 'decalogue'" (Ten Commandments) for those who drive.

Apparently the Vatican doesn't see much in the way of gridlock or road rage, as most urban drivers I've seen are about as likely to follow these commandments as they are the original ten Moses toted down off the mountain.

The commandments (which can be found a long way down in the document found here) are as follows (complete with my parenthetical and sometimes italicized editorial observations):

I. You shall not kill. (I think they stole this one, from the Big Boss, which means a whole lot more penance - or time in purgatory, which they should get anyway for the funny hats.)

II. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. (This one made me giggle - I start thinking "communion between people" and a boom-chicka-wah-wah soundtrack should be running in the background to go with the mental pictures.)
III. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. (Also, crystal balls, tarot cards, and a call to Miss Cleo.)

IV. Be charitable and help your neighbour in need, especially victims of accidents. (I actually like this one.)
V. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
VI. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. (Teenieboppers and Fogies, attention, please: If you're too hopped up on E, hormones, fiber tablets, or Lunestra, the Pope would like you to leave your keys in the large punchbowl by the front door. Thanks a bunch.)

VII. Support the families of accident victims. (Broad word here, support. How exactly? Prayer, coins from the poor box, higher insurance rates, baked casseroles? A hug? Nice thought, but ... specificity can be a wonderful thing. That dude Jesus gave specific ideas [clothes off back, food from mouth, etc.]. You'd think he'd have taught his Vicar better.)
VIII. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. (Do we arm them as well? I'm getting visions of the Roman Catholic Thunderdome!)
IX. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. (The one outside the vehicle first, the motorcyclist second, the Hummer and Popemobile last - do they really understand the implication here? Old Pope Benny already made it harder to choose a new Pope, do they really want to deal with the process all over again?) X. Feel responsible towards others. (Um. Duh. They cribbed this one too. Something about "Love your neighbor as yourself" comes to mind, but I've forgotten where I read it.)

As an alternative, I'd like to suggest a few rules of the road myself. I won't even call them Commandments, as technically the "Ten Commandments" aren't commandments - just good rules to live by. So, without further ado, I present:

Vox's Hints of the Road:
I. Thou Should Not Tailgate. Dick. I don't want you making grinding motions with your pelvis toward mine while we're in line in a public place, why should the fact we're in cars be any different?
II. Thou Should Not Share Your Music With Those Outside Your Vehicle.
III. Thou Should Signal.
IV. Thou Shalt, Upon Request, Show Us Your Boobs. Actually, I was just checking to see if you're still listening. Are you?

V. Thou Should Use An Appropriate Muffler. Noise production is inversely proportionate to actual genital size. Really. There have been studies or something.
VI. Thou Should Consider Whether Ten Feet of Undercarriage Clearance is Necessary for a Sedan, Mini-Truck, or Any Vehicle That Will Never Be Off Pavement.

VII. Thou Should Tailor Drive Times to Speed of Driving Comfort.
VIII. Thou Should Stay in the Right Lane, Slowpoke Rodriguez. Yeah, that goes for Arkansas drivers, too. Are the lanes reversed there or something?

IX. Thou Should Not Multi-task.

X. Thou Should Breathe and Count to Ten. Seriously. Think about it. Is it really that important? Sheesh. Put that finger away, I have a good guess where you keep it.

XI. Ignorance of the Hints of the Road Makes the Baby Jeebus Cry.