I'm in my Fifties now, so I'm going to start suing

What, Me MAD?
by Pat Darnell
I think I will start with a Class Action calling out Mainstream Actresses --

To kickoff the new year, I will file a petition to get back all that is taken from our family by actresses and actors who do not maintain their natural looks. First off Meg Ryan will receive a copy for cutting down her nose so that she looks like Charo when I see her in movies now, 2008. "I don't pay my buck fiddy to see what the actress thinks I should see, I pay to see Meg Ryan as she is," says I. "Give me back my money."

Then I might follow up with a suit against the computer industry for finding so many ways to make it more complicated to write a letter to my friends.

I should include the education system in my appeals for teaching me binary math when I was in elementary school. I think it messed with my logical development, and interrupted my growth. "You want proof? Just look at this blog... yeah, proof, up yours!"

Women who have scorned me, false gods, and the entire authorship of Scientology will hear from me: including Wayne Newton for not singing high notes anymore.

I might single out for class action suit demanding compensation to MAD Magazine readers for MAD going on TV with stupidity and tasteless parody... oh yeah that is what they do. Maybe I will have to rethink that one.

Other groups who need to answer for their less than ideal performance: the IMF, beekeepers, and meat eaters. Hey New York, do you ever eat a steak? Philly tell me you don't eat a lot of steak? How could you let the beef industry falter so far away from its main purpose? Beef recalls in 2008, where's the beef buddy boys?

Beekeepers, how did you obviously fall down on the job so completely and lose all the bees?

International Monetary Fund, how did you just go and let US bankers and securities groups dip into your enormous cache of funds with hedges and gambles? Aren't there any other nations in there to watch things?

So, Meg, you have done so much damage to yourself, it seems you have suffered enough. So I am going to remind you with this punitive subpoena to appear before the court of human race opinion as you ought to be, not as you so often make us try to envision you might be.. How do you like them apples, old girl? You've been served.

This is going to be a GREAT year, 2009. I am truly excited!