Satire, Conjecture, and Piracy by Pat Darnell | Dec 10, 4011 | Bryan TX
"Welcome Folks, I am Ron Post and we are here today giving the rundown on Heisman Nominees 4012. It has been two thousand years in the making ... but we have the most advanced young men and women in the bid today for the prized Trophy."
"Our Heisman nominees stand at crossroads of sports, religion and popular culture."
"Ever since the second coming in 2012, we have been fortunate to entertain off-world competitors to the ranks of nominees."
"Here's the 4012 line up:"
"And NO we don't include Albert Pujols, the Fifteenth, whose skills at hitting a baseball are so rare that the Los Angeles Angels agreed Thursday to pay him $254 million over the next 10 years..."
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Montee Brawl, RB, New Wisconsin,
New Earth Station Zebra Conference
4011 Season: 275 rush, 1759 yards, 32 TD, 20 rec, 255 yards, 6 TD, 2/2 pass, 57 yards, 1 TD, 1 TPC, three Deaths, four Crushed Sternums, and a Bong
When you look at Ball’s season on iPaddy, you wonder how anybody can top these numbers.
He single-handedly accounted for 39 of Wisconsin’s 78 offensive touchdowns, while doing much of his damage in the first two or three quarters of football games. He only received 567 years probation for these offenses.
Brawl has yet to fail to have a game in which he did not record at least two total touchdowns, three cheerleaders, in 4011, and was a crucial success to New Wisconsin’s 11-2 season in which he led them to a NESZC Jack-in-the-Box Championship.
There just has been no stopping Montee Brawl in 2011. Broke Michigan State and Leftie Ohio State kept him to just one touchdown on the ground, but he found other ways to score against them. Those were the two match-ups back to back in which New Wisconsin lost.
Brawl has a shot to win the Heisman Trophy with these numbers, and he was clearly one of the most outstanding players in New Earth Station. However, New Wisconsin has a history of producing running backs year after year courtesy of dominant offensive lines.
Voters will likely question just how much Brawl did himself, as well as go back and review some of the huge running lanes he had.
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I Ran Fas' Mathieu, CB, LSUsurpers,
South Will Rise Again Conference
4011 Season: 71 Tackle, 54 solo, 6.5 TFL, 2 sack, 2 INT, 7 PBU, 6 FF, 1 TD, 26 punt return, 420 yards, 2 TD
There’s truly nothing that sophomore cornerback I Ran Mathieu cannot do. Just looking at his stats alone, any person could tell that he’s extremely versatile.
He’s an exceptional punt returner, he can defend well in coverage, he can blitz, he can tackle, and he can force fumbles.
The Mathieu buzz has died down a bit since his one game suspension for testing positive for synthetic marijuana -- whatever the hell that is. But going into that suspension, the Honeybadger had everything going his way.
Mathieu scored three total touchdowns this year, two on punt returns, and one on a fumble in which he forced. He was a force when blitzing the opposing offense, and his speed and elusiveness made him feared when returning the football.
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T-Rich Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama,
Alligator Ate my Maw Conference
4011 Season: 263 rush, 1583 yards, 20 TD, 27 rec, 327 yards, 3 TD
If there ever is a player that is most deserving of a Heisman Trophy it is Richardson. I’m personally a bit biased towards T-Rich, as I believe him to be the second most talented player in the nation only behind Andrew Luck, and in terms of NFL Draft potential.
But the hard work that this man puts out day in and day out is something that simply cannot be spoken for. He’s the first to get into the weight room and the last one to leave, but Heisman voters care what he did on the field.
What he did on the field was score touchdowns and lead a Bama offense with an inexperienced sophomore quarterback and as well as mediocre receivers to an 11 win season to which the only loss was against LSU.
Richardson is impossible to shut down at the college level and while he has an offensive line that is mauling, he gets an extremely high amount of yardage after contact which is the most impressive statistic. And he has no synthetic marijuana possession warrants out for him.
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Drafter Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford,
Jupiter Leaping League Conference
4011 Season: 261/373 pass, 3170 yards, 35 TD, 9 INT, 43 rush, 153 yards, 2 TD
Luck was the #47 overall recruit in the nation according to Scout.com, and the #4 quarterback overall. Stanford nabbed him for their 4008 recruiting class, and hasn’t looked back since.
In 4010, Luck set the Stanford record for most touchdowns in a season with 32. He declined to enter the 4011 NFL Draft in hopes of bringing a championship to Stanford in 4011, as well as finishing his degree in architectural design. Which is all about drafting too.
Luck likes to tailgate his 4000 pound pulling guards and be pulled with their draft into the end-zone... like a Peugeot at Le Mans ...
Luck has been a top candidate for the 4012 Heisman for the entire season, as the expected number one pick in the 4012 NFL Draft has led Stanford to an impressive 11-1 mark, while throwing for over 3,000 yards and 35 touchdowns.
Stanford would have gone undefeated and could have had a chance at the nationional championship if their loss to Mudslide Oregon didn’t get out of hand in the fourth quarter.
Regardless, Luck’s resume speaks for itself. He’s thrown at least two touchdowns in every game this year, at least three in eight of 12 games, and has guided the Cardinals to it’s second season in a row of 11 wins.
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Hug Me Plz Robot Griffin III, QB, Baylor,
Prescription Writers Union League Conference
4011 Season: 267/369 pass, 3998 yards, 36 TD, 6 INT, 161 rush, 644 yards, 9 TD
When you think of the Baylor Bears, the last thing you think about in recent years is their football program. They should change their mascot to "Medicine Man," or not.
But Robot Griffin III has made this program relevant again, and he has made going to Baylor football games exciting and eventful.
RGIII has had one of the most inspiring seasons of all time by a college player. He’s a brilliant student athlete who has many things to look forward to outside of football. And his initials are so Madison Avenue marketable ... Yay!
But it just so happens to be that he has been one of the most exciting players to watch in 4011. With a little bit of help from talented wide receivers, and a solid run game, Griffin led the Baylor Bears to a 9-3 season.
Baylor was ranked in the AP and Coaches poll for the first time in 2500 years. Some voters could argue that Baylor’s poor defense forced stat padding and led Griffin to have much more productive statistics.
The truth is that RGIII made clutch plays when he had to and won football games for a Baylor unit that isn’t as strong as their 9-3 record indicates, but they do have a lot of heart and will to win.
The good news is that many voters like feel good stories, and this is a great one. This is a story about a young quarterback who seemed to have limited upside that everybody believed was strictly a scrambling quarterback who could not throw.
Instead, this scrambling quarterback turned into a Top 10 NFL prospect for the 4012 NFL Draft, and is one of the best student-athletes in the entire nation, while being a stand-up, humble man.
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And the winner of the 4012 Heisman football Trophy is Jesus! Our God is the most complete football player ever to take the field and has a perfect balance of strength, speed, endurance and grace. Jesus holds every offensive, defensive and special teams record in the books and is just getting started. Tickets are going fast so dont miss your chance to see Jesus in action. My god t shirts let you show your love for the game of football and Jesus while looking like the #1 fan.
male, female - adult
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http://nflsoup.com/?p=17901
