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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

MooPig Movie Reviews :: The Stars Of Stage and Screen

Concentrating Today on the Actors' Ears
by Pat Darnell and Jonathon Livingston Seagollum

MooPigWidsom: I admit Mr Seagollum, my associates and I have been in a stall. We want to explain "everything" to a readership that is evolving exponentially out of the ponditive scum of the Internet. What better way to engage the entire world, and instigate parlay, and maybe, just maybe, get some game on, than to ride the tail wind, slip stream of cinema?

JLS: I am not one to ask -- my concern is :: 'should I stay or should I go? Eh?'
I am the original Robbins technical manual, you know. Declare yourself, and all that?

MPW: Huh? Oh, right. Tony Robbins was just a baby when you appeared. You shortened your name I believe -- Jonathon Livingston Seagull ?... So, Mr Seagollum, since you are the real deal, tell me if it is right then, that MooPig could point out problems for society as we continue to create "Reality?"
JLS: Go ahead. Dive in. I'll listen. The whole world revovles around me, as I listen, by the way... you know I dive like an Eagle and attach myself to the backs of Hawks .. and dance like a Bee.

MPW: All right then :: Here is what I am getting at -- 'It turns out, when reality is created by humans and machine it is either preposterous, or dangerous.' No? Even if one agrees or disagrees -- Inventing reality for humans, by humans, is failure almost every time.

JLS: FHBH ...? hehehehe -- SQUAWK !!

MPW: Hunh?  Whatever. See 'Miniature screen output' has done nothing to help in any way social conditions for most of the world populations. All our computing power and the trend has done almost nothing for our 9 million handicapped people in the USA populace.

Most of the time at MooPig's Product Testing Facilities, we find ourselves looking at media tools and gizmos now asking each other: "... and this black box does what?" What's that all about?

JLS: Oh, you mean that! Yes, I understand. You are perplexed at the subtractionist attitude of miniaturization of all things audio and visual in media. Even though it has already all been done by nature, in the forms of eyes, ears, nose and throat. And you were young in the day when boom boxes were hoisted on shoulders, and we seagulls looked down on you humans .... Go on.

MPW: Speaking of ears. We at MooPig notice things like ears, especially when we watch characterizations in cinema. The human ear is a much better study for us. Okay?

So, if one is a fan of Merryl Streep, for instance, and has seen all her scenes from early years to now; there is one visual aspect that is like a nautilus shell attached to both sides of her head.

Yes, ears may be one of the most unseen in early years of actors' lives. MooPig's Vigilante and Savante Actors Guilderator Department, is sensitive to ears as barnacles growing whilst in waning years of an actor's life: look at Tommy Lee Jones' ears today, they look like things on the side of heads like those Atlantean sculptures in Mayan ruins. No?

But we are afraid it may represent an earmark in further separation of rich and poor.

Especially if that ear is dangling at the top of the food chain. We form negative opinions like: " ... Look, we just bought all those tickets and movies of Merryl Streep for fifty years, just to keep her ears growing ..." ?

JLS: That's pretty harsh, isn't it? You're starting to sound kind of whiny ... lighten up. LOOK at ME ,,, [..] SQUAWK !!

MPW: Whoa, 'scared me there!

In other words, those baubles hanging off those ancient ears are the baited hooks that we fish down here should be bobbing and leaping for ...? Hey, time to check in with NIC Global Trends ... and I feel that the NIC has a report on everything trendy except actors' ears, ...

JLS: But they should !?? I think you are overstating the ear thing.

MPW: What do you know? Do you have ears? How about that beak: you are looking pretty long in the beak there Jonny. Leaping lizards, besides that, you can fly. Famous actors, musicians, stage people, all people will have very large ears when they are old. If entertainers are still going on stage, then their ears point out the trends of growth.

That's not all.

JLS: No? I was thinking about heading out the window meself ... what else, oh mastif one?

MPW: Look at the ears of those actors when they are still young, nubian, nubile and able to do much of their own stunts. Check out the ears. Let's look at Van Damme's ears. And for this bit of the interview, we turn to our correspondent in the field, self-described "Name: Aaron Fleming ... Location: London, United Kingdom, About Me: Waster and idler - prone to pomposity - likes the filmic, the sonic, words and the aesthetic - given to the most ludicrous appraisal of Culture's finest icons and compositions. at Generic Mugwump ..."

Aaron are you there?

JLS: OK good friends .. I am taking off. See ya on the sand at Coco Rattan. Eh?

MPW: Okay Mr Seagollum .... Jonathon Livingston Seagollum has flown the coupe.

[ ... ]  While we are waiting, Mr Fleming has desconstructed J Claude Van Damme in history by making a case for the intellect grows in spurts, as after earmarked battles in one's life. And wisdom grows steadily throughout years when "the scope of the project is not realized" until after completion, and that growth is bannered with long ears.

Aaron, What's your twenty, there good buddy, c'mon?

[ ... ] Luckily we have an excerpt of Mr Fleming's latest critical analysis of the foot in the face, in side of head on the ears, and up through the chin -- Mr Van Damme styled recourse at his book signing [HERE]
“How is interpretative integrity certifiable,” a sweaty forest-dweller begins.

Life in ballets dressed up as action movies has made Van Damme tough. No one dares dispute that. But perhaps one ninja knuckle brawl too many has made Van Damme too tough. His answers come in showers of invective and deadly menacing word-fists. Jolting rejoinders delve into murky intellectual depths not even Van Damme could have envisioned. Tearing into one accusation at a time, he extends his critical eye over an entire kingdom of fallacy and error, pupils like sunspots burning through each falsehood.

“Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” he answers.

This is efficacy as bled from the stone of Van Damme.
And to Mr Van Damme who said from the beginning "but I didn't write War and Peace ... " :
Smoke clears, noise fades, pages float slowly from the ceiling. The feeling of cataclysm hangs in the air. Mental impressions that are cryptic at best hold sway in the pointillist wash of audience heads. Bound to failure, their deficiencies sentence them to a lifetime of wondering, of questioning, of dead night reflection and memorial damnation. Van Damme’s seed is capturable by the human eye, but grasp it you won’t, for its fortifications are impenetrable to all but he. [ ... ]
(Source [HERE] )
Like a mailman, the ear is over-looked. The ear's role is not well known -- right? -- until it is deaf. By the way, I wish we all owned stock in hearing aids research and development.

All our time is eat up, ... We will get back some day with Aaron Fleming, who is a no-show today, or not ... and finish our ear tagged drama, and on to find out the future of Noses in the Cinema.

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